For the longest time there was something nagging at me whenever I caught a story about Michele Bachmann, the Republican front-runner for president. (Or has Texas’ Rick Perry completely stolen that mantel from her?) I mean, aside from her idea to abolish the minimum wage (to create jobs, of course), her belief that scientists support “intelligent design,” or that Glenn Beck knows how to solve the nation’s debt crisis (and here are seven other crazy things Bachmann believes). Yes, yes. She’s certifiably wingnut! But there was something else… I just couldn’t put my finger on it.
Maybe it’s not an answer but a working theory, anyway. And it centers on her husband. You know, Mr. Pray-the-Gay-Away Bachmann. Because what have we learned about conservatives who really, really, really, really hate gay people? All together now: They are usually self-loathing gays!
Is Marcus Bachmann gay? Hell if I know. A lot of bloggers and late-night talk show hosts certainly delight in insinuating as much. Now, do I care if Bachmann is gay? Only in as much as it would be incredibly ironic, considering his very public crusade against homosexuality. (And I’m sorry, but that level of irony is just too hilarious.) Otherwise, I could care less. But the Bachmann’s have made hating the LGBT community (calling them Satan, no less) a central campaign issue, that is until recently.
So, like a rock in my shoe, there’s just been this thing grating on me. Every time there is a photo or video of Bachmann and her crazy eyes, my husband and I just shake our heads and say, “What is wrong with that woman? I mean, besides all of her politics? Seriously, what’s wrong with her eyes?” She just looks like a person who is extremely unhappy. She looks like a person who hates herself (and expresses that by hating on so many other people). And then somewhere in the back of my mind, I remembered some documentary I saw about a camp that specializing in praying the gay away. One of the things this camp encouraged was to couple up “former” lesbians and “former” gay men. Because how else to cement your successful conversion back to “normalcy,” than by making out with a person who doesn’t find you attractive in any way?
So, this got me thinking… Is Michele Bachmann’s marriage an “arrangement” between not one, but two people who have prayed the gay away? Wouldn’t that explain a lot if it turned out that Michele was a lesbian? I mean, that level of self-loathing has got to cause a case of the crazy eyes and at least one or two migraines. (PS: If any of this is ringing true at Camp Bachmann, I say: Come on out!)
But just for the record: It’s just a theory.